You know what they say about opinions and how many of us have one. I am certainly no exception to this rule and I am unafraid to share my opinions. Yet, I still seek approval and permission from my community on my decisions, big and small. Those opinions don’t necessarily sway my choice, but I definitely feel more secure when they validate my own.
We often behave like stroked cats when we receive praise from a person in authority. That warm pleasure, delicious self-confirmation sets us up for deep disappointment whenever that positive feedback is not offered. What happens next?
I got my hair cut recently, a riff on my usual style that I didn’t consider for too long before undergoing the chop, from which there was no way back. I watched my hair disappear under the practiced snip and sheer of my hairdresser. The gossip mags I flicked through offered little interest as I waited to be revealed to myself. Once unveiled, I stared at my reflection in her mirror and mentally compared myself to a forest creature, newly emerged into the light: all eyes. I was pretty impressed with my decision, I looked great. It was, however, my millennial hairdresser (with her subtle piercings and bold tattoos) request to take photos of my new ‘do that really plopped the cherry on top. That’s when I knew I’d made the right choice. Person in authority, validating my decision. Stroked cat.
Why do we seek that validation from those around us? I know there are buckets of theory surrounding this phenomenon. I feel as though my own emotional conditioning was set in motion in my childhood, where praise was heartfelt and unrestrained for whatever activity we undertook, as long as all effort had been invested into achieving that result. Not trying your best was unacceptable, being a sore winner or loser was not allowed. Bringing up the rear in a race was perfectly fine, as long as you had tried your best. This seems to have set me up on a pathway for a lifetime of needing external validation.
Watching the Olympics on TV I witnessed the most beautiful moment between athlete and mentor. It was a long time ago, when controversial coach Laurie Lawrence led the swim team. The Australian men’s individual swim team hit the pool deck, two exceptional athletes, fit, prepared, focused, a lot of pressure resting on their young shoulders. The swim itself was exciting, but what happened afterwards will stay with me forever. Australia won gold and silver, the winner emerged from the water, dripping, elated, and headed straight over to his coach, for his poolside interview and congratulations. Enthusiasm and love rained upon on him from Lawrence, who was so ecstatic, he could barely contain himself.
Approaching this excited scrum, swim cap in hand, crooked grin in place, was the silver medal winner. The look on his face said it all, he had given the race everything he had, and he knew he would be praised and congratulated by Lawrence. He was right. Lawrence turned, embraced him tightly, shouted his congratulations, and proceeded to shower the very same respect, admiration and love on the second place winner that he had on the first, proclaiming he had “entered the race as a boy, and was going home as a man”. It was the most heart-warming, honest and beautiful moment I think I’ve ever seen in any sport coverage. The lavish praise from his mentor made the athletes’ grin spread wider and a slightly abashed look tiptoe through his expression. It was wonderful. What we don’t see is what happens next, when in a few short years, that athlete doesn’t continue to win, and doesn’t achieve a Personal Best every time.
Every time we tell the world about an achievement or even share some good news, we are seeking the approval of our community. Awards and prizes are great for those at the top of their field, but where does that leave the rest of us?
Parading my new hairstyle on Facebook, that most basic and lightning quick of external validators, elicited a round of excited affirmation. Of course, not one of my wonderful friends is ever going to tell me I’ve made a mistake, they are always supportive and we are of similar aesthetic taste after all, and certainly my partner is only going to tell that I can rock any haircut, but it still feels good.
Turning our gaze inwards and seeking validation from ourselves, from our own abilities and feelings is the only way to achieve satisfaction and of developing a strong and steady sense of worth. If I continuously look outside myself, I will never locate that sense of peace, fulfilment and joy, praise from others will never be enough. Failing to recognise my own nature, my own beauty, my own talent will forever leave me adrift, feeling as though I don’t measure up to my peers, can’t achieve or don’t deserve the things they do.
I still love being congratulated, being praised, admired and even envied sometimes by my community, it’s a two-way street and I offer the same in return. I certainly don’t want to give that up. I am however going to keep backing myself, being secure in my own decision-making, in my own ability to rationalise and achieve.
It’s time to leave the lessons of childhood behind and to take up the mantle of independence, self-belief and joy.
